Thursday, November 11, 2010

Really?

{October 5, 2010, 1:30am}


I am officially exhausted, both physically and mentally. Especially mentally, but my mind refuses to rest. So I decided to use the adrenaline while I still have some and wanted to jot down a few details from tonight before they become fuzzy.

It all started at the grocery store. Harrison was acting very difficult like a big giant brat. He didn't want to eat his snacks, he wanted to throw them all on the floor and scream. He didn't want to sit in the cart, and even though I had him buckled in it didn't stop him from trying to turn around and climb out of his seat repeatedly. So I finally gave in and carried him, which isn't the easiest thing to do while pushing a loaded basket of groceries through a crowded store. When I got to the "family planning" aisle, he started throwing a full-blown tantrum. I reached for a pregnancy test and while Harrison was screaming at the top of his lungs, in the back of my mind I thought Lord, this BETTER be negative. Ha!

We got home and I took the test. I knew it was going to be negative. I mean, hello! I'm breastfeeding. We weren't even trying to get pregnant. It took us 8 months of actively trying to conceive Harrison and several procedures that were taking us closer and closer to the word "infertility." And besides, we were being somewhat careful. I peed on the stick and waited. Negative. Whew! And then I saw what looked like (possibly) a very, very, very faint positive line. It couldn't be. Could it? No way. Right? RIGHT?

I immediately loaded Harrison up and headed to the drug store. This time I was going to shell out the big bucks for a name brand test, and one that was digital so there'd be no question. Rick called me while I was driving, and I have no idea what he talked about. I couldn't process anything he was saying. Something about how he had had a very stressful, very bad day, I think? I tried to give the appropriate number of "uh-huhs" and "rights" so that he wouldn't become suspicious that something was on my mind. I looked at the clock and realized that I had better hurry so I could get to the store and back before he made it home from work.

I had a cranky baby on my hip and I noticed the clerk look at the box and then at us with an expression that shouted, Really? Not sure if she meant it sympathetically or judgmentally, but either way I could relate with her.

We rushed home while I chugged a glass of water. Harrison hung out in the bathroom with me while I waited for what seemed like FOREVER for the hour glass to change. When it finally did, I was in shock. Staring back at me was a word that would change my life: PREGNANT. And then I promptly turned around and vomited in the toilet. It was then that I realized that maybe it wasn't sinus drainage that has been making me feel so nauseated lately.

I paced around the house aimlessly for what felt like an eternity. I heard Rick's car pull up, and I poured him a beer. Something told me he could use one.

Monday nights are our date nights. Most would consider them pretty lame since we don't actually leave the house, but they give us once a week where we put Harrison down early and have a night to focus on each other, eat dinner sans the baby, and have adult conversation. Poor Rick had no idea just how "adult" the conversation was going to be this night! This week was my week to plan the night, and so I had to improvise, obviously. I decided on homemade pizza for dinner. Pizza with a personal message:




We were going to each make our own pizza with a message/picture, but since the crusts were larger than we thought we decided on just one. Ironically Rick jokingly asked if my message was going to say "I'm pregnant." I forced a fake laugh and asked him what he'd do if it did, and then realized I needed to add a "no joke!" line to my message. He laughed and said he'd probably pass out from fear. This did not help my nerves.

When he opened his eyes to see the message, he burst out laughing. He asked if I was serious, and I burst out crying. He added a few tears to the mix, but they were happy ones. Which made me feel so much better. I was worried about how he was going to react, but he was genuinely happy. Shocked, but happy.




Rick said the pizza tasted good. I didn't have an appetite so I just took his word for it. We spent the rest of the night laughing and talking and shaking our heads in disbelief and coming up with a game plan. I do so much better if there's a game plan. Funny, right?

Now that it's starting to sink in, I can honestly say that I'm really excited. I'm scared to death, but I know that God's timing is perfect. I look at Harrison and wonder how I could possibly love another baby as much as him, but I know that I will. In fact, I already do.

Memorable quotes from the night:

- Wow, Hon. This is going to be the second Halloween and Thanksgiving in a row where you're pregnant.

- So do we have to tell everybody or can we just wait until I start showing and then they start asking questions? I kind of feel like I'm going to get in trouble...you know, like the naive teenager who says "I didn't think it would happen to ME..."

- Now you can say that you're eating for THREE. You're "I'm breastfeeding" excuse just got upped to "I'm breastfeeding AND pregnant." Quite the overachiever!

1 comment:

Stephanie said...

Congrats! I can totally relate with the shock... A week before my son's 1st birthday I realized I was 8 weeks pregnant. We went through rounds & rounds of infertility treatment with him so we never thought it would happen. I never thought that's why I was nauseaus either.... So, I'm happy to say we're going to have 2 kids 19 months apart. Congrats again!

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