A rough day.
So.
Remember when I said that for some strange reason I have not been overly anxious or worried about the impending complications of this pregnancy (even despite my "normal" ever-healthy tendencies to focus only on the doom and gloom side of things)? Well, the denial has officially caught up with me and the last couple of days I have been overcome with anxiety and fear about the situation.
It all started when I watched the movie Life as We Know It, which I'm sure most people would perceive as a pretty light-hearted flick. But to me and my dysfunctional mind? I bawled all night and then had nightmares that I am still having a hard time shaking off. Last night I had an emotional breakdown at the uncertainty of our situation and the realization that there's a good chance that some scary stuff could be happening to me and the baby very soon.
Then Harrison woke up at around 3am screaming and crying and was pretty much inconsolable for about 2 hours. Nothing Rick or I did seemed to help him and I was so scared because I didn't know what was wrong with him. He's been a little congested and was really wheezy after being so worked up and I had to fight off my instinct to pack him up and go the ER. He wasn't running a fever and we eventually realized that it must be his tummy hurting him after he had a fun little diarrhea incident. Even when he finally drifted back to sleep I of course couldn't, and instead spent the wee hours of the morning over-analyzing his every breath. At least it was a refresher course for what's in our near future -- sleepless nights filled with a crying baby and the irrational need for mom to make sure the baby is still breathing. Ha.
It all came to a nice peak this morning at my OB appointment. My doctor warned me that I need to start mentally preparing myself for what could happen and that Rick and I need to get an emergency plan in place. He said that it is very likely (90%) that the previa will cause me to start spontaneously bleeding, which would require me getting to the hospital and arranging childcare for Harrison very quickly and would most likely lead to hospitalized bed rest because we will try to keep the baby baking for as long as possible. He told me not to attempt driving myself to the hospital and instead call an ambulance and to get family or friends to come pick up Harrison. He said that this would most likely occur between weeks 30 and 34, maybe sooner, hopefully later. He reassured me that in the majority of cases both mom and baby come home safe and sound, not necessarily at the same time, but safe and sound nonetheless. Which is what I should be focusing on of course, but instead the only words that stuck in my head were "hemorrhage" and "hospital bed rest" and "NICU" and "ambulance" and "hysterectomy" and...well you get the point. He in no way said all of this to scare me and not a word of it was new news, but it just hit me like a ton of bricks that this is real and this could very likely be serious. I'm so extremely grateful to be at 27 weeks and into the third trimester, but it also means that this could all happen at any moment now.
Today was my glucose test, so after seeing the doctor I had to go back into the waiting room until my timer went off for me to have my blood drawn. It was in the crowded waiting room when the tears just started coming and I couldn't turn them off. I hate to cry in public...or around anybody for that matter. I'm sure I looked like quite the crazy pregnant lady...
To top it all off, after my bloodwork I had to get a shot in my bum. And now you're officially jealous of my morning, aren't you? :)
At least I made it to the car before the Ugly Cry came on. I think the weight of fear compounded with being poked and prodded all on an empty stomach and next to zero sleep just caught up with me. I pulled myself together before coming in the house, but didn't last long. I was eager to see Harrison knowing he'd cheer me up, but he's been in an anti-mommy phase and he wanted nothing to do with me. Instead he ran from me and begged my mom to pick him up and cried in protest when I tried to take him and give him a hug. That may have been the biggest sting of the day....
I'm trying to stay positive and not let my mind go to dark places, but I can't lie and say I'm not afraid. Luckily I've never had any major health issues or even any broken bones, so trying to take the doc's advice and mentally prepare myself for what could happen is hard for a wimpy girl like me. I feel like I'm a ticking time bomb and at any moment life is going to get hard for a while. I KNOW God is ultimately in control but getting my mind and heart in the same place has been challenging.
When it started pouring outside, I couldn't help but laugh. It was so fitting for the morning I had and matched my mood perfectly. I sat and listened to the thunder and rain as I gathered my thoughts and got a grip on my runaway emotions. Then I decided I had had enough of gloomy. Sometimes when life gives you an ugly, rainy day you just have to pull out the rain boots and go for a fun splash.
and here is where my pity-party officially ends. :)
So out the boots came. Aren't they adorable? The boys had a great time playing in puddles!
Who can be sad when in the company of these sweet boys? I'm so happy to have my Joel-Joel visiting for the week!
Remember when I said that for some strange reason I have not been overly anxious or worried about the impending complications of this pregnancy (even despite my "normal" ever-healthy tendencies to focus only on the doom and gloom side of things)? Well, the denial has officially caught up with me and the last couple of days I have been overcome with anxiety and fear about the situation.
It all started when I watched the movie Life as We Know It, which I'm sure most people would perceive as a pretty light-hearted flick. But to me and my dysfunctional mind? I bawled all night and then had nightmares that I am still having a hard time shaking off. Last night I had an emotional breakdown at the uncertainty of our situation and the realization that there's a good chance that some scary stuff could be happening to me and the baby very soon.
Then Harrison woke up at around 3am screaming and crying and was pretty much inconsolable for about 2 hours. Nothing Rick or I did seemed to help him and I was so scared because I didn't know what was wrong with him. He's been a little congested and was really wheezy after being so worked up and I had to fight off my instinct to pack him up and go the ER. He wasn't running a fever and we eventually realized that it must be his tummy hurting him after he had a fun little diarrhea incident. Even when he finally drifted back to sleep I of course couldn't, and instead spent the wee hours of the morning over-analyzing his every breath. At least it was a refresher course for what's in our near future -- sleepless nights filled with a crying baby and the irrational need for mom to make sure the baby is still breathing. Ha.
It all came to a nice peak this morning at my OB appointment. My doctor warned me that I need to start mentally preparing myself for what could happen and that Rick and I need to get an emergency plan in place. He said that it is very likely (90%) that the previa will cause me to start spontaneously bleeding, which would require me getting to the hospital and arranging childcare for Harrison very quickly and would most likely lead to hospitalized bed rest because we will try to keep the baby baking for as long as possible. He told me not to attempt driving myself to the hospital and instead call an ambulance and to get family or friends to come pick up Harrison. He said that this would most likely occur between weeks 30 and 34, maybe sooner, hopefully later. He reassured me that in the majority of cases both mom and baby come home safe and sound, not necessarily at the same time, but safe and sound nonetheless. Which is what I should be focusing on of course, but instead the only words that stuck in my head were "hemorrhage" and "hospital bed rest" and "NICU" and "ambulance" and "hysterectomy" and...well you get the point. He in no way said all of this to scare me and not a word of it was new news, but it just hit me like a ton of bricks that this is real and this could very likely be serious. I'm so extremely grateful to be at 27 weeks and into the third trimester, but it also means that this could all happen at any moment now.
Today was my glucose test, so after seeing the doctor I had to go back into the waiting room until my timer went off for me to have my blood drawn. It was in the crowded waiting room when the tears just started coming and I couldn't turn them off. I hate to cry in public...or around anybody for that matter. I'm sure I looked like quite the crazy pregnant lady...
To top it all off, after my bloodwork I had to get a shot in my bum. And now you're officially jealous of my morning, aren't you? :)
At least I made it to the car before the Ugly Cry came on. I think the weight of fear compounded with being poked and prodded all on an empty stomach and next to zero sleep just caught up with me. I pulled myself together before coming in the house, but didn't last long. I was eager to see Harrison knowing he'd cheer me up, but he's been in an anti-mommy phase and he wanted nothing to do with me. Instead he ran from me and begged my mom to pick him up and cried in protest when I tried to take him and give him a hug. That may have been the biggest sting of the day....
I'm trying to stay positive and not let my mind go to dark places, but I can't lie and say I'm not afraid. Luckily I've never had any major health issues or even any broken bones, so trying to take the doc's advice and mentally prepare myself for what could happen is hard for a wimpy girl like me. I feel like I'm a ticking time bomb and at any moment life is going to get hard for a while. I KNOW God is ultimately in control but getting my mind and heart in the same place has been challenging.
When it started pouring outside, I couldn't help but laugh. It was so fitting for the morning I had and matched my mood perfectly. I sat and listened to the thunder and rain as I gathered my thoughts and got a grip on my runaway emotions. Then I decided I had had enough of gloomy. Sometimes when life gives you an ugly, rainy day you just have to pull out the rain boots and go for a fun splash.
and here is where my pity-party officially ends. :)
So out the boots came. Aren't they adorable? The boys had a great time playing in puddles!
Who can be sad when in the company of these sweet boys? I'm so happy to have my Joel-Joel visiting for the week!
Comments
Bad days suck. I'm sorry today sounded especially awful. But at least you got a bunch of bad stuff over with in a short period of time. Tomorrow will surely be better.
Hang in there! Hopefully the previa will still fix itself and you won't have to worry about any of those scary things.
I'm sitting here in my office with tears pouring down my face over how proud I am of you. I was just telling my friend, Katie, this weekend how you are literally the person I admire the most in the world. Your husband is absolutely right. You handle the world with class and grace, and I thank you for that. I know life is really scary for you right now, but I know that all will be well. You're a beautiful person, inside and out, and your Faith gives me Faith. I love you, Kelpy Welpy!!