First off, Harper. That girl is as sweet as can be, but don't be fooled because she also has quite a dark side. She is so matter of fact about morbid things and I am both mildly concerned and wildly entertained all at the same time :) She must get that from her dad because I was always such a sensitive kid.
She will randomly bring up hypothetical birth scenarios and I have NO idea where she comes up with this stuff. A few examples:
Harper: (While in the restrooms at Target) Wouldn't it be funny if you had to go potty really, really bad, but then instead of going pee, like, the baby fell out and was born into the toilet? That would be so funny!
Harper: Wouldn't it be funny if the doctor was cutting the baby out of your tummy, but then the baby holded on really tight to, like, your ribs or something, and the doctor pulled and pulled on her but couldn't get her to let go, so then the doctor just had to sew her back in there forever?
Harper: Wouldn't it be scary if the baby tore through your tummy, like ripped or chewed a hole through there to get out, and then ran out the back door, and then when you and daddy looked out the window you saw her crawling over the fence trying to run away? :: insert evil laughter::
So freaking creepy, am I right?? But also hilarious...especially considering she says all of things things in the softest, sweetest voice ever. :)
We were leaving Harrison's school after having lunch with him one day, and there were two big buzzards on the sidewalk right outside the door. Harper was intrigued by them and was asking questions. I told her they were scavengers and she asked what that meant. I explained that it meant they eat gross things like roadkill, and her response was:
Harper: Well I hope they don't go and find Kooter and try to eat him. You know, since Kooter's dead now. That would be sad if they ate his face and eyeballs off.
We were jamming out to praise music in the van and the song mentioned something about going to heaven.
Harper: When you die, before you go to heaven you go the the graveyard first.
Me: Well actually, our bodies stay here on earth but our souls go to heaven right away.
Harper: Yeah, our bodies go to a place called a graveyard, or a cemetery, or something like that, and then all the dead bodies turn into skeletons! ::chuckles::
Harrison: Harper and I made a plan to cut Bah-Baby out of you and then kill you and daddy. That way the three of us can live together without you guys getting in our way.
Me: *no words*
Rick: But without parents how are you going to pay the bills?
Harrison: We'll just steal all the money out of your bank and use all your stuff.
Harper: And we'll eat the food in the pantry until we're grownups and can get jobs and buy our own food.
Harrison: I have a perfect name for the baby! Hummer! And she could learn how to hum and humming could be what she's really good at!
If only I had taken a picture of Rick's face. I'm not sure WHY we didn't go with Hummer...I mean, isn't that just such an AWESOME name for a little girl? Hahahaha!!!
Harper: When I grow up and become a mommy, I'm going to make my baby sleep in the bathtub. That way when she wakes up she'll be all nice and clean!
Harrison: That's such a clever idea!
The kids were playing family and I overheard the following:
Harrison: You be pregnant like mom and I'll be your husband.
Harper: Okay! Where do we go to get pregnant?
Harrison: I don't know. Let's go to the hospital.
Harper: But that's where we go to HAVE the baby. Where do we go to GET the baby into my belly?
(that was my cue to go hide in the bathroom)
The rest of these are a lot older but still goodies.
Harrison came home from preK one day last year and told us that they were learning all about safety. He may have gotten a couple of things confused. Mixing up the number to 911 and doing the opposite of what you should do if your house catches on fire...only minor details!
Harrison: How do you spell zero?
Me: Like the word zero?
Harrison: No. Zero is a NUMBER, Mom...
And then I'm pretty sure he rolled his eyes at me!
Harper: "...and God, I pray that when I get to heaven I can find Fishy Boyd in his cute little pond up there. Because I love Fishy Boyd. Even though he's a fish. And even though he's dead."
Harrison: "Mom, I still feel the same as I did yesterday. I didn't realize that five would feel so much like four. Does it mean I'm going to stay like this forever?"
I wish, son. Oh how I wish.
Harrison: (runs in from playing) I have some good news and some bad news.
Me: What's the good news?
Harrison: Our (pretend) momma cat had kittens!
Me: That's exciting! What's the bad news?
Harrison: The bad news is the momma cat is evil and said, "now here's a taste of your own medicine" and then ate all their heads off and now all the kittens are all dead.
Harrison went through the console and made a fun discovery.
We were talking about what baptism means and I explained the symbolism of going under the water and coming up a new person.
Harper: Oh, like Ariel?
I had been teaching Harrison about different punctuation marks that week. Then while at Best Buy with his dad, he took the opportunity to loudly ask about one he saw on a sign.
Harrison: Dad, what's a period? And what does a period do?
Harrison: I'm engaged to picking my nose. You know, like how people get engaged to cigarettes?
(engaged = addicted, ha!)
Me: I know it's hard to obey sometimes. But God lives in our hearts and if we ask Him to help us he will.
Harrison: But how can God live in our hearts with all the blood in there?
And the rest of these are even older. I believe from when Harrison was 3 and Harper was 2, and some even older (which is why there are way more of Harrison's). Found these on a note in my phone:
We were at Five Guys and Harper got confused and thought the name was "White" Guys. Then Harrison started innocently joking that it was opposite day so "White" Guys should actually be called "Black" Guys. Which was slightly awkward considering the majority of the employees there that night were African American...
Me: I know that it's sometimes hard to be good.
Harrison: No Mom, it's hard ALL the time to be good. You just don't understand.
A few of the cute ways they used to say things wrong:
Las Haciendas = "Lots of Santas"
I'm beating you = I'm winning you
Mosquitos = Bakeetos
Popcorn = Pockporn
Suitcase = Soupcase
Me: Why is your door closed?
Harrison: I was just trying to save me from that smell of the dinner you're cooking.
Harrison (saying grace): Dear God, I just pray that you help me block my table manners when they try to get up and run away from me.
Before we left the house to go anywhere, we would always say this as we were walking out the door:
Me: Let's do this!
Harper: Let's rock roll!
Harrison: Let's get this show on the road!
Me: See you in the morning.
Harrison: No, I'll see you in a little bit when my daddy's not looking. That's when I always like to sneak into your bed. So, see you in a little bit!
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Harrison: Are you sure you want to hear this?
Me: Who's there?
Me: Mommy who?
Harrison: Mommy, it's time to wake up and fix me breakfast.
Harrison was kicking the wall and told me he needed to "get his foot hurted" because he really wanted to put on a bandaid.
Rick: Hi, princess! Who's the prettiest girl in the whole wide world?
The kids were talking about how cool it would be to go hunting wild dogs. (Seriously, how are these my kids????) I explained that that is awful and we definitely don't hunt dogs.
Harrison: No, mom. It wouldn't be gross because we would cut off all their fur before we ate them.
Harrison: Momma, you are the prettiest lady I've ever seen!
Me: That's so sweet! But one day you'll meet a girl and she'll be even prettier to you. And you'll get married and have your own house and family!
Harrison: No, she can get a new husband because I want to live with you and be your grown-up baby forever!
On our way home from church:
Harrison: I wish I could be God so I could be mighty. I could be Jesus and you could be my disciple, so I could direct you.
(Oh, child. One day you will get to be boss, but not until you're 18!)
Me: Why did you throw your lunch away? We shouldn't waste food like that.
Harrison: I was just trying to be nice and share my food with the germs in the trash can. They were hungry!