Perspective

April 23, 2011

Perspective

I've been in the hospital for 10 days now. Overall I would say that I'm handling this whole situation much better than I ever anticipated. I knew from early on that hospitalization was a possibility, but I could hardly bear the thought of what that would be like, so I just didn't let myself go there mentally. And now, a week and a half in, I can honestly say that we're actually doing it. Not that we have a choice in the matter, but we've adjusted to our new normal as well as could ever be expected.

But today? Today has been a hard day.

My contractions came back over the last couple of days and they had to increase my dosage of magnesium sulfate again. It makes me feel awful. Horrible. It's working though, so I try to force myself to be happy about that. But part of me wants to beg the nurse every time she comes in to turn it back down. And then I feel guilty and selfish and weak because it's the very drug that is helping Harper stay inside where she needs to be. That same guilt creeps in every time I find myself staring at the clock, wondering just how many more days of this I can tolerate. I feel like I am slowly going insane being stuck in a bed in a hospital for 24 hours every day. Life is still very much going on out there but I'm no longer a part of it...and I miss it terribly. I'm so homesick. I just want to go home and play with my son and love on my pets and enjoy the sunshine and go for a walk and a million other things I am now painfully aware that I take for granted every day. But unfortunately, for that to happen it would mean Harper coming into this world much earlier than she's supposed to. And having a preemie in the NICU. And still feeling the impossible burden to balance my time and energy between two kids, who both need me in very different ways. I just feel stuck and helpless and completely without control.

Harrison had his very first Easter egg hunt this afternoon. My mom and stepdad took him so he wouldn't miss out, and I was really upset that I couldn't be there. The Easter Bunny will be leaving him some goodies in his basket here and we'll have a lame egg hunt in my hospital room tomorrow. I've been very emotional today about missing out on Easter and all of the fun that goes with it. I don't get to dress my kiddo up in his argyle sweater vest and I don't get to go to church and I don't get to hide eggs and I don't get to have our 2nd annual Easter lunch with our friends. I've tried to stay positive but the last couple of days the sadness and anger has crept in.

Today has been full of tears. Today has been a hard day.

And then tonight I realized that I'm being a pretty big brat. Yes, it sucks that I'm stuck here in the hospital and won't get to participate in the normal Easter activities. But since when did Easter become about coordinating outfits and colorful eggs and chocolate bunnies? When I take the time to reflect on the true meaning and sacrifice of this holiday, my grumbles pale in comparison. Yes, I feel sick and I'm going stir crazy. But Jesus died a horrific, painful death on the cross and faced the worst pain and fear imaginable. Yes, I miss my son. But God sent His son to die for us. Maybe sitting out Easter this year is exactly what I needed to really put things in perspective.

I wanted to share this video with you. The lyrics to this song have been ministering to me today. I don't think anybody really desires to be brought to their knees, but sometimes it's exactly what we need to remind us that He is there and He loves us and He is all that truly matters. I am needing Him more than ever right now and I'm thankful for that.