Thursday, April 28, 2011

Day 15

We are now past the two week mark here at our Extended Stay at the Resort, as my doctor likes to call it.

So.

How am I doing? I have gotten this question a lot lately and I cringe every time because I don't really know how to answer it honestly. The two things I want most in the world are impossible to attain right now. To make sure my baby girl is born healthy and as close to full-term as I possibly can, and to get the hell out of this hospital and home to my baby boy who needs his mama. Unfortunately there is no way for both of these to happen at this point in time. They are painfully mutually exclusive.

Physically, I'm doing pretty good. Dr. Klein commented yesterday that he is really impressed at how long I've managed to hang on and that I've made it farther than average and farther than he expected me to, which is really encouraging! The magnesium sulfate still makes me feel pretty crummy but I think after being on the higher dosage for several days now my body is starting to adjust to it and I'm getting used to the icky feeling it gives me. My contractions are still there off and on but my cervix must be hanging in there strong because I'm under the impression that if they were causing me to dilate then I would have had another bleeding episode by now. I'm sleeping a little better now that I have a more comfortable bed and have gotten used to the sounds of a hospital.

Emotionally, I'm drained. I feel such relief that I've made it an additional 2 weeks so far and have hit the 33 week mark. That is huge progress! But I'm still far too early for her to come with me feeling comfortable about it. Not that I have any choice in the matter, but my goal is to stay pregnant for 3+ more weeks...and I very much have a love/hate relationship with that goal. If this were my only baby I wouldn't think twice about being stuck in a hospital bed for several more weeks and I think it would be a lot easier for me to suck it up from a mental standpoint. But Harrison is not really adjusting well to me being here.  He comes to visit and wants nothing to do with me. Rick will pick him up and try to get him to sit with me and give me a hug or a kiss and instead he cries in protest, glares at me and tries to hit me. He is very angry with me. And who can blame him? All he knows is that I was there all day every day of his little life, and then one night I vanished and haven't been back since. I'm grateful that he is young enough to not remember any of this, but I hate that he is too young to understand what's going on. I want more than anything to scoop him up and hug and kiss all over him and explain why I'm here and reassure him that I'm coming home, and for him to understand. But he's 16 months old. He doesn't get it. All he knows is that I abandoned him, and that breaks my heart. So yeah, emotionally I'm all over the place.

It's been hard for me to think back over these last two weeks and not feel like I've wasted them away, stuck in this hospital bed. Nothing has happened, which obviously we are extremely grateful for, but at the same time I feel like they are two weeks that I could have been at home living my life and mothering my child. Today I think my doctor sensed that I needed some words of encouragement, and he reassured me that this is exactly where I need to be. It's just way too risky for me and the baby for me to not be within emergency proximity of the operating room. That statement alone terrifies me, but at least it helps to relieve some of the burden I feel being separated from Harrison (and the rest of the world). So, the plan is still the same: I will be here until she arrives, which could happen at any moment now. It's more likely to happen sooner rather than later, but we are praying for it to happen later.

Overall, we're hanging in there. That's been my go-to, cliche of an answer, but it's the truth. We're making it work. We're adjusting. We're trying to stay positive and maintain a sense of humor. We're thankful for great parents who are fabulous grandparents to a very lucky little boy. We're thankful for wonderful friends and family and prayers and words of encouragement and meals and love and support. We're thankful for every day I'm still pregnant. We're thankful for excellent medical care. We're thankful for a God who has a plan and who already knows the very second Miss Harper will meet this world.





3 comments:

Mom of the Twinkies and Tot! said...

I was on the mag with both my pregnancies & know exactly what you mean. It makes you feel horrible!

You are doing great! My girls were born at 29 weeks with a 48 day NICU stay but my nieces were born at 32 weeks with just a 10 day NICU stay. You are really getting close in terms of a gestational age where she will be okay. I've been told that black females have the best lungs but white females are second...so that helps as well!

Praying for you. I know what it's like to split your time between keeping a baby (or in my case, babies) in and being with your baby at home. My son was 21 months when our girls were born. Traveling between NICU & home afterwards was so rough as well.

Tracye said...

Fifteen days. Wow. Not sure I could handle that. You're strong, and this is only going to make you stronger.

Still loving, praying for, and thinking of you all!

"Hang in there!" ;)

sarah @ life {sweet} life said...

Hi Kelsey,
I am so sorry to hear what you're going through. I read your post (on my phone) a couple of weeks ago when you were admitted and you have been in my prayers ever since. I'm sorry I'm just now making it by to leave you a comment, but please know you are in my prayers! I know it has to be hard to be there away from home (and especially sweet Harrison!) but hang in there. Praying for lots of strength for you and sweet healthy little Harper! :) xo, Sarah

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