Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Day 6

I don't have much to report, but no news is great news because that means Harper is busy packing on more lbs as I type this. Today marks day 6 in the hospital. I definitely have my moments of weakness, but overall I'm hanging in there.

The update:

-We are playing the waiting game at this point. Obviously the longer we are able to wait, the better. They won't electively deliver Harper until at least 36 weeks, but most likely they will have to deliver her sooner when my body decides it's time. Text book on when that would typically happen is anywhere between now and next week. Dr. Klein said that when it does happen it will likely happen very quickly because the second hemorrhaging episode is usually really severe and an emergency c-section will be necessary. He told Rick that if he wanted to be here for the delivery he needed to be within 10-15 minutes of my hospital room at all times because there won't be much of a warning, and that they won't be able to wait for him. So for now, he's got a desk set up in my room and is working from in here. I'm so grateful that his employer has been flexible and understanding because the fear of having to go through the scary stuff alone is terrifying.

-We finally had our consult with the neonatologist. It was a little scary since they have to cover worst-case scenario stuff, but it was also very encouraging. If Harper comes before 35 weeks there is a mandatory NICU stay. Survival rates for 32 weekers are great (like 95-98%). She will be a little more at risk for neurological issues like brain bleeding due to the risk for placental abruption, but even with that the risks are fairly low. If she were delivered today we'd be looking at a possible 2 month NICU stay, but she said a lot of babies go home sooner than that.

- I'm still on magnesium sulfate. I was having horrible side effects, but it is working and my contractions have calmed down. They were able to cut my dosage in half so I'm feeling a lot better. I've also come down with another sinus/respiratory infection (shocking, right?). I haven't been sleeping well, but I finally got a regular hospital bed (instead of L&D) and it's soooo much more comfortable! Overall I'm doing great physically, the baby is moving well, and her heartbeat is the most beautiful music to my ears.

My emotional stability has been a different story. I'm really trying to use this time to read and pray and reflect and relax, but sometimes it gets really challenging. I honestly think the hardest thing about all of this has been being away from Harrison. I know I'm exactly where I need to be to take the best care of Harper, but I just hate that it's at the expense of my first baby. I'm so glad he is able to visit me but tears come and don't stop easily each time he leaves my room. I hate that I can't take care of him right now. That I can't be the one to sing You Are My Sunshine when he first wakes up. That I'm not the one to tickle his belly and wipe the oatmeal out of his hair and watch him dance to Sesame Street. That I'm not there to tell him that we don't eat sand and we don't climb up the slide and we are soft and gentle when we pet our puppy friends. I miss his slobbery kisses and telling him "no" 50 million times and smelling his sweet hair after bath time. I miss how excited he gets to brush his teeth and watching him slyly try to avoid bedtime and seeing his precious prayer hands when we tuck him in and his sweet smile when it's time for us to sing him Jesus Loves Me. I think the only thing keeping me sane through all of this is the incredible peace of mind knowing he's in the loving care of my MIL. He's in his own house and being loved on by his grandma and having a ball and I know he's completely fine...but my heart just hurts that it can't be me. He is 16 months old and resilient and won't remember a thing about any of this, but right now he senses something is different and it's hard as a momma not to be able to protect and reassure my baby during this change, even though in the end I know it's a wonderful change. So when I'm missing him and feeling guilty and sad that we're apart I close my eyes and picture our family in a year from now and cling to the happiness and good times that are in our future.

I can't express enough how thankful I am for the love and support we've been given over this last week. I know that we've been carried by our friends and family when otherwise we probably would have crumbled into a hot, heaping mess at times. We've had so many sweet visitors, calls, and messages and they mean the world to us. Thank you for continuing to pray for our babies and our strength during this roller coaster of emotions...we are so grateful!


2 comments:

Jocelyn said...

Omigosh, I have no idea how I missed your last three blog posts, but I am so very sorry to hear you are in the hospital!!!

Your sweet words about missing Harrison made me tear up at work, but thinking about your beautiful family a few months or a year into the future is a great idea!

Much love to you and Harper (who has the most gorgeous little bedroom!). Hang in there!!!

Emily said...

My prayers are with your family. Keep that sunshine smile on that we all love!
I just heard this last week and it hit me like a freight train:
2 Corinthians 3:17
Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom

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