Big Kids

May 04, 2015

Big Kids

My babies are growing up. One turned 4 yesterday, and the other had his kindergarten registration today. So unbelievable that we are here already! I'm excited for him and I know he's ready to be set off into the world. But I'm just not sure I'm ready for that yet. I think back to the moment I was holding him as a newborn and realized that my career had officially taken a detour. I remember dreaming of all the adventures ahead of us, all the things I would teach him, how I was going to mold and shape his character in the special time we would have together. And now here we are. Those years were both the longest and the shortest of my life and I can't help but feel a little regret over how my intentions didn't always materialize in the way I thought they would. I have so many projects in mind that I wanted to do with him that just never happened. Yes, we had fun and yes, he was and is wildly loved. But did I make the most of the huge opportunity I had or did I squander away a lot of our time together, just trying to survive the little years? I think more than anything, I'm sad and afraid of letting go. He's become his own independent person and is going to be introduced to so many new outside influences...and sometimes I just want him to stay my little baby boy forever.

****

I was determined to try my best to do something special for Harper on her birthday yesterday. My poor kids have been on the back burner for 2 months now and it's impossible not to feel guilty about that. She's been asking for awhile now to go to the beach, so we packed up and headed down to Galveston yesterday morning. I thought, surely it's not that much harder sitting in a beach chair than it is lying on my couch? I can suck it up, right?! Umm, wrong. Forcing yourself into normal life is a painful reminder of just how awful and crippling HG is. We had to leave early because I was feeling so bad. We came home and after getting violently sick, I crawled into my bed feeling so angry and sad and defeated. This just sucks so much and isn't freaking fair!! It's one thing to affect me but I hate how it directly affects my family too! I'm sure the kids probably don't even notice or care as much as I'm worried they do. Harper had a blast baking a cake with her dad and Harrison is more than content with all the extra ipad and wii time he's been getting. But I'm normally so much of a hands on, on-the-go type of mom that my shortcomings are so very obvious to me right now and I just miss my old life so much.